I have told you before about a wonderful friend of mine. She is a godly woman and a real sister in the Lord. We have become such close friends over the last year, mainly because she is one of the few people in real life with whom I can be really and truly honest. I have been having some difficulties recently with a few issues, but have been so blessed to be able to share with her, be accountable to her and pray with her.

I was so delighted when recently she and her boyfriend announced their engagement. This has led on to some interesting chats about biblical womanhood, marriage, singleness and family, so I wanted to share some of the articles we have been discussing to see what you thought. (It might also encourage her to comment here some day - I know she reads this, but has never added a comment before..!)

I always appreciate Carolyn McCulley's writings so enjoyed Faith for the Man He'll Become from Boundless. It's a gentle reminder to us girls that we won't marry the 'perfect man' but that there is a big difference between men aged 25 and men aged 50 in the church so we can't judge them by the same standard. We have a huge part to play in the growing in spiritual maturity of our brothers in Christ and of our (future) husbands, encouraging them and uplifting them in prayer. She writes:

You may see some of the husbands and fathers in your church and think to yourself that you'd like to marry a man just like them. Those are great aspirations to have! But first you may need to talk to their wives.

Why? Because these women didn't marry the husbands they have today. Typically, they married less seasoned men. Thanks to the Holy Spirit's refinements over time, as well as the feminine counsel, influence, and encouragement of these wives, their husbands are different some 20-plus years down the line.

Now take a look at the young men you know. Can you see them with eyes of faith? Like trees in springtime with an impressionistic haze of buds, the potential for growth is strongly evident but it's not yet fully realized.

Another Boundless article looks at Deuteronomy 24:5. Jonathan Dodson in First Year Off extends the law that allowed Israelite men not to be sent to war during their first year of marriage to a more general principle of a taking a year off from other responsibilities to "to be happy with his wife". He talks of being careful not to over-commit to work, church or other people when the focus should be developing and deepening the relationship with your spouse.

My friend and I are both busy doctors, so what does this mean practically for us as potential wives? I know I find it difficult enough to keep up-to-date with everything just on my own, so I can't really see me managing this while trying to get used to married life! We discussed this in a previous post, A Helper Fit for Him, and I liked what Sherrin had to say:

I do believe that home and family are to be the priorities, but that will look different for each woman. God has made us finite - and we cannot really "have it all". Something has to give, and we do not want that "something" to be the role of helping our husbands.

Our friendship is bound to change over the next year, but we are both committed to maintaining a close sisterly bond. (Thankfully, her fiancé is very understanding and encouraging of the fact that sometimes you just need your girlfriends!) What of my part in their marriage though? Lauren Winner writes about our responsibilities to a friend's marriage in Beyond Being a Bridesmaid:

I will no longer take the responsibility of witnessing marriage vows so lightly, for witnessing a marriage vow is not a frivolous thing. Now, before I attend a wedding, or stand up with a friend, I will consider what I, too, am committing to: a lifetime of support, of sometimes hard words, of prayer, of upholding.

When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.
Deuteronomy 24:5

I've told you before about my Bible study group for young women. It is intended for older students and young graduates to provide support and fellowship over what can be a very challenging transition. We now have a core group of 10 young women who meet regularly to discuss faith and doctrine over huge quantities of tea and scones. (We are clearly a British bible study group!)

Originally we studied Biblical Womanhood, looking at being made in God's image, the Fall, marriage, singleness, beauty and modesty, the church, relationships with our brothers and sisters, and our relationship with God. We learned so much together, discussing the challenges in going against prevailing culture. At the same time, we have faced many difficult issues including purity, domestic violence, abuse, and remarriage after divorce. It has been hard to look at these issues but, through lengthy Bible study, discussion and prayer, we have been able to work through them and so tried to find practical Biblical answers.

For our next study, we decided we would study a book of the Bible rather than a theme, so we are now studying Zechariah. It's an unusual choice, but it has been so encouraging to study God's word to those struggling Israelites.

So far, we have seen that we need, like the Israelites, to return to God as individuals, as churches and as a society. God's work of salvation is finished - our sin has been sent away, the sacrifice is complete, we are forgiven and righteous in his sight, and he has the victory. To us as his people, he has promised his presence and blessing and promised to rebuild his church to be his final dwelling place and home of his glory. We must live in light of eternity, knowing that, along with our promised salvation, there is a promise of judgement on those who have rejected God. Now, until Judgement Day comes or we are called home, we are to share this good news with the whole earth. In our next study, we are looking at what it means to follow a religion and to have a living faith.

(Can I also take a moment to recommend the Good Book Company (or Matthias Media for my Australian friends), an evangelical Christian publisher, for good solid Bible study resources? Their studies and daily devotionals have minimal digressions into the 'nice stories' that plague many other Bible study books and are firmly based in Scripture with strong evangelical teaching.)

Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children's children.
Deuteronomy 4:9

After all the excitement of yesterday (still giggling intermittently!) and my recent thoughts on the compatibility of full-time work and being a wife and a mother, I had to laugh as I read the first few paragraphs of this article.

Carolyn McCulley pointed out some articles from the Journal of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood on her blog, Solo Femininity. I was most amused reading Homemaking Internship by Carolyn Mahaney that I just had to share it with others. It was this first extract that got me, but I definitely recommend reading the whole article.

Imagine preparing your whole life for a career in medicine. In high school you volunteer at the local hospital and spend your evenings reading medical journals. You make the honor roll and head off to a prestigious medical school. After eight years of only study and no social life, you finally graduate. Then you spend two, maybe three years in your chosen field—not even enough time to pay off the school loans.

But the more you practice medicine, the less you enjoy it. Suddenly you realize the truth. Your real calling is to be a teacher. You want to work with kids, small ones. So now with a mostly useless set of skills (at least you would know how to do the Heimlich maneuver if a kid choked on his hot dog in the school cafeteria), you want to enroll again at the university and study to be a teacher. But you can’t. Your time and money have run out.

You can’t afford to give six more years of your life to study, and you certainly can’t afford the extra school debt. The years and the funds allotted for career preparation have already been spent on another profession. You have to accept the reality that you didn’t graduate with the right degree to teach.

All too often we stumble onto homemaking the way this student stumbled onto teaching. We devote ourselves to studying for a particular career, but suddenly discover we want to enter an entirely different field for which we never prepared. Surprise! We find ourselves engaged to be married but without a degree in homemaking.

I've done all of that. I studied hard and worked hard, often to the expense of other things. Just yesterday I reached one of the pinnacles of my career and spent today getting congratulatory hugs and handshakes from friends and senior colleagues. I am now in their elite club - I am now one of them! But I have found myself still unsatisfied. I have devoted myself to medicine only to discover I want "to enter an entirely different field for which we never prepared".

It's an interesting article about how to practically prepare OUR daughters for homemaking, yet it doesn't address the issue of how to prepare if you are not from a home where a Biblical view of the family and of the home was taken. I know that it is only now that I am learning about running a home and raising a Christian family, having never stood at my mother's knee while she roasted a chicken (I still need to learn how to carve it) or never having had family worship. Some of what I do in my work now will help, such as the "transferable skills" of organisation, time management, conflict resolution, and caring for others. I have been so blessed to have older women in the church mentor me and teach me some of these wifely skills. Of course these skills are not only to be learnt for marriage but, as Carolyn Mahaney says, to "honor God by expressing your femininity today".

My young friends, let it be your constant aim, and at the same time your earnest prayer, that you may first of all thoroughly understand your mission, and then diligently prepare for it, and hereafter as successfully fulfill it.
John Angell James, English pastor (1785-1859)

It's been a while since I last shared my reading of "Getting Serious about Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness", so I want to return to looking at it, given all its controversies.

In the fourth chapter, Debbie Maken makes the point that there is a lack of male leadership in family, schools, society and the church. Men are told to "Have fun, live for the moment, don't answer to anyone, and always leave your options open." Men are being supported in "second childhoods" and as "perennial students", with all that that lifestyle entails.

As a young successful professional woman, often I feel this success is blamed for my singleness. It is perceived as a bad thing to be female, successful and financially self-sufficient. Maken says that "in Western culture, we often equate a woman's lack of economic need to be married to a desire of not wanting to be married."

Why has this changed in little over a generation? She blames "an education system that allows and promotes indefinite leadership, a lack of leadership in the home, and a lack of leadership within the church."

I have to agree with her. But what can be done about it? The church needs to take a more active role in teaching the Biblical view of manhood, womanhood and the family. Parents need to look to Scripture for guidance and teaching on biblical roles, and then to demonstrate them in their own family and to teach them to their children. I'm not sure what can be done about the schooling system, where are certainly problems with teaching male leadership in schools, which has caused an inappropriate expression of manhood through aggression. After a conversation with a friend who plans on homeschooling his children, I am perhaps (to my surprise) moving towards that idea. This is however a subject for another day!

For I have chosen [Abraham], that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing righteousness and justice, so that the LORD may bring to Abraham what he has promised him."
Genesis 18:19

I really enjoyed reading Sherrin's post on Titus this week. One sentence struck me:

All women can be homemakers no matter what their current work situation is. However, creating a welcoming home for our families and communities does take time and effort. This means that it is reasonable to conclude that at some times in our lives, particularly when there are young children at home, it will be necessary to cut back on paid work in order to fulfill this calling.

I completely agree with her. I have long said that should I get married, I would want to stay at home with the children. However, this started another train of thought...

I have such a busy job and spend a lot of time at work. Now I did know that life was going to be like this when I decided that I wanted to be a doctor and I can't claim to have been pulled in unawares! With all its demands though, it is so hard to keep my house on top of work commitments, never mind added to my church work, friends, family, and recreation. I do love my work - I find it fascinating and fulfilling - but my priorities have changed.

I really don't think that my job (as it stands at the moment) could not be compatible with a happy marriage. I could "have it all" - get married, have children, work full-time, get a cleaner to do the housework, put the children to daycare. I have plenty of friends and colleagues who do this, but that's not the wife, the mother or the doctor I wish to be. So it brings me to a conclusion that surprised me: if, God willing, I get married, should I give up my job and be a full-time homemaker to and for my husband, even before having children?

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him."
Genesis 2:18

Who do you most want to encourage this year?

Over the last year, I have loved getting to know a young woman from church. We're in the same profession, which is probably how we started talking, but our friendship has gone far beyond chit-chat about work. Of course, when we are together, we often compare patients or discuss potential diagnoses too, but our friendship has been built on our faith and our difficulties and struggles as we pursue biblical womanhood. We have spent hours talking, praying, reading together as we try to see what the Bible has to say to us and how to live it out. I hope we have been an encouragement and a blessing each other. I know I have grown so much through her friendship and I hope I have been an encourager to her.

I want to particularly pray for her as she, after being abandoned by her husband a few years ago, has now entered a time of courtship with a wonderful sound man. It has been so exciting to see this and I hope I can continue to be there for her, challenging and encouraging her through everything that this next year will bring.

For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you - that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine.
Romans 1:11-12

What habit would you most like to establish this year?

I have to confess that recently I have failed in keeping up with Flylady as much as I would like. I'm now not at home very much since I started a new job so there is not much routine to my life. Thankfully, as Flylady says, "You are never behind - just jump right in where you are!" The house is much more organised and clutter-free thanks to her, but I am just getting away with the bare minimum. Having some proper organisation back would be good, so I will try again! That said, something is better than nothing, as Flylady would tell me!

As for spiritual habits, I think I need to ensure that I read my Bible at the beginning of every day. Sometimes I haven't been leaving enough time in the morning to read my Bible, so have left it to later in the day. Sometimes after a day on call, I don't take the time or have the energy for a proper devotional time. I wrote about getting up early a few months ago, so I need to re-establish that. Can I even aspire to join the 5:00 club?

O LORD, in the morning you hear my voice;
in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch.
Psalm 5:3

What's the most important need you feel burdened to meet this year?

Since starting my Bible study group for young women, I have been so delighted to see how many times other young women have asked to come or said how much they feel something like this is needed.

Certainly, my friend and I started this group because biblical womanhood and the challenge of living it out has been one of the main topics of conversation since we became friends. We have talked for HOURS about it, debating, encouraging each other, praying together, reading the Bible.

Over the next year, by God's grace and mercy, I hope to continue doing this. I have so pleased to see how much the young women are getting out of meeting together, but also because I am learning so much myself about God, the Bible, biblical womanhood and the importance of fellowship and accountability.

I am a companion of all who fear you,
of those who keep your precepts.

Psalm 119:63

I grew up near where the Royal Family holidays in Balmoral Castle. As a result, and being a normal little girl, I used to dream that a prince would come and marry me and I would get to be a princess. Now it wasn't so much the prince I was thinking of, but all the pretty dresses, the crowns, the balls and the horses that seemed to just come with being a princess.

Sadly, I never got to become a princess, or so I thought! It wasn't until I was telling this story to some little girl friends of mine that I realised that I had become a princess! My Father is the King! When I became a Christian, I became part of his family and became a real princess! There is even a crown waiting for me in heaven!

With all this, I was interested to see an article from Crosswalk called When the Princess Is Ready, the Prince Will Appear by Dr David Hawkins. Some of the points were well made, but I have some difficulties with other things he says here.

It was good to be reminded that God's timing might well be different to what I want it to be, that too often women settle rather than waiting for someone who will really challenge and encourage them on to greater faithfulness and godliness, and that the states of my heart before God is the most important thing to be sorted before anything else.

However, I am not sure that I agree when he says that "When the princess is ready, the prince will appear." It sounds like all we need to do is fulfill a checklist of preparation and then our future husband will walk into our lives. It's in the same category as misguided advice I've heard give to single friends that "If you'll only stop thinking about it or accept your singleness, then God will allow you to marry." At best, this is discouraging. At worst, this is unbiblical and harmful.

And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory.

I Peter 5:4

It's my birthday today, so it's an ideal time to consider what God has done for me, in me and through me in this last year and where I hope to be this time next year. Inspired by this week's Carnival of Beauty on Beginnings and Endings, I want to reflect on the work that he has begun in me and where he has shut doors. In all this, I know that I can trust in a God who is omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient, yet who loves me, Keziah, despite knowing me and my failings more than anyone else and more than I allow even myself.

This year, God has used me, through the guidance of some godly women, to start a Bible study group for young women. Just last night, we met together for a wonderful time of fellowship and encouragement sitting round Scripture. I am learning so much from our time together and am so thankful to God for the work he is doing there.

He has taken me to a new job that I love. I actually sit there and think to myself, "I have SUCH an interesting job" and really believe it! He is teaching me and reminding me every day that this is my mission field for now and that this is where he wants me to be his servant and ambassador. While on call this last weekend, I was able to have some really interesting chats with a couple of Muslim colleagues. They will return to a land hostile to the Gospel next year, a place where it would be too dangerous for me to work, never mind visit as a missionary, so I am conscious that, right now, here is my opportunity to share the Christian faith with that people.

God also has seemed to close doors for me over this year, sometimes inexplicably. I had hoped to spend some time supporting student ministry, but the funding to allow me to do this was not available. I had hoped to go into research, but the funding there was not available either. A good friend expressed his interest in me, so we began to talk more purposefully about our future and if marriage was part of that. After much prayer and discussion, I knew that this was not the case. While I know it was the correct and right decision, it stills saddens me to consider all that might have been and what now might never be.

All through this, I know that I do not worship a fickle God, but one who is constant and steady. I know that God has his plans for me that he has had since before the beginning of time, purposes for me that will prevail and cannot be thwarted, plans for wholeness and not for evil, plans to give me a future and a hope, and that he knows both the beginning and the end. As I begin another year of my life, this is in what I can trust and rest, so, instead of being scared and nervous, I am excited to see what this next year will bring!

Isaiah 46:9-10

I was so impressed to read the first of a series of articles on chivalry, The Modern Day Gentleman and When Lancelot Comes Riding on Alex and Brett Harris' blog, The Rebelution. Brett has given an insightful look into the reasons for chivalry, how men should act and women should respond. I was even more impressed when I realised that this came from 17 year olds! How encouraging to see the youth of the church fighting against our prevailing culture, both inside and outside of the church. It was a reminder to me that if I want men to take on their biblical role, I need to be encouraging and allowing them to do that. Yes, I could manage to open the door myself, but it sure is nice when someone takes the time and the care to open it for me! It's about trying to have servant attitudes towards each other and about being gracious to each other when we fail to hit the mark as we gently feel away into roles that are so foreign to where society would have us.

Another article had dropped into my email from Crosswalk. Here Judy Carden writes on Becoming a Godly Wife: Invite Chivalry into Your Marriage. I'm not married (yet, she says hoping!) but I think it has lessons for us all. It first reminded of the great harm that the feminist movement has done to women. Good things have come from it, like the vote and being allowed to own property, but the pendulum has swung too far towards actually denigrating the woman's role as a woman in society. This needs to be seen in the light of God's teaching on manhood and womanhood; that God created men and women in his own image and equals before him, but with different roles and responsibilities. That is how God intended us to be, so we need to work at reclaiming that.

So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27

What's the most important way you will, by God's grace, try to make this year different from last year?

As students, we used to stay up late discussing and debating deep theological points, sharing the emotional, spiritual and physical struggles we faced in our lives, reading and praying together, and encouraging and admonishing one another. Since moving away from my university town and living on my own, I really miss that, both for the conversation and challenge but also the accountability it gave me. Living on my own, no-one needs to know how I spend my time or what I do and no-one is there to stretch my thoughts.

I have written before about the importance of a Titus 2 relationship, with the older women encouraging and teaching the younger women. I think that as my desire for biblical womanhood increases, the time has come to be brave!

Over the next few weeks, I will make a particular matter for prayer my desire to have a mentor, an older and wiser Christian woman teaching, encouraging, admonishing and guiding me in the way I should go. I have an idea who I could ask, but I will pray first before going to her to ask her for her guidance and prayer in a more formal and purposeful way. I will also pray that I will be honest with her, not hiding my struggles or failings, but being truthful about where I struggle and where I need to learn.

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age.

Titus 2:11-12

What is the most helpful new way you could strengthen your church?

Maybe I am cheating a little on this one as it is not something I am going to start doing, but I hope this counts as I have just started it and really want to focus on it this year! Just recently the elders in my church asked me to start a Bible study group for young women. There is definitely a void in that area, but I was surprised (and delighted) to be asked to lead it.

We have just started meeting together and have started by studying the idea of biblical womanhood together. I thought we should know and understand the basics first before moving on to consider other issues.

It has been such a blessing to meet together. These are young women who yearn to be women after God's own heart, who want to aspire to godly womanhood, who want to be courted by godly men, who want to raise God-fearing families. Some of the girls are still in university, some have jobs (with some in senior positions in high-powered jobs too), yet it has been so interesting to see that God has indeed placed these desires within all of our hearts! Society's teaching of "gender sameness" is being rejected by these young women. Instead there is the recognition of the equality of men and women as people made in his image, but with different roles and responsibilities.

Please pray for us as you read this, that it might be a blessing to me and to these young women to delve into Scripture for this teaching and for us as together we try to become women who fear the Lord.

The precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart;

Psalm 19:8

Delight yourself in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him, and he will act.
Psalm 37:4-5

This also gives another challenge to me: I am an older woman too and it is a command given equally to me! Okay, I am just 25 but, to my surprise, there are younger women who come to me with the same desire to mentored and to be guided. In my meetings and friendships with these young women seeking to be women after God's heart, I will try to use this guidance to benefit these girls and to make our time together more fruitful.

I'd be interested to hear how this works for others. Any advice on what to do and what to avoid? Any encouragement from this in your own lives?

Older women...are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.
Titus 2:3-5

What struck me was how wonderful it was to be under that and to submit in some way to that leading. I pray for those men that they will encourage and treat other men to embrace biblical manhood and that the Lord will continue to build them up as godly men. I also pray for me and for my sisters that we will become women joyfully wanting to respond to that and that we too will be moulded more and more into God's image to fulfill our role as created by him in the very beginning.

Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father. Treat younger men like brothers, older women like mothers, younger women like sisters, in all purity.
I Tim 5:1-2

Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin...If God so clothes the grass of the field...will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious...but seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.
Matt 6:28-33

And it works! Admittedly, I don't get up at 5:00 - I think at the moment this would be a bit too much of a shock to the system! - but I am working on getting up early and starting my day right. To be honest, I think I use my time so much better and I achieve so much more with my day than I ever did as a 'night owl'. And now that I have written about here, I will have to keep it up!

and portions for her maidens
Proverbs 31:15

As you can see, I am a bit of a baby in the blogging world, never mind to the Carnival of Beauty which this week travels to relevantblog to extol the Beauty of Blogging!