I have told you before about a wonderful friend of mine. She is a godly woman and a real sister in the Lord. We have become such close friends over the last year, mainly because she is one of the few people in real life with whom I can be really and truly honest. I have been having some difficulties recently with a few issues, but have been so blessed to be able to share with her, be accountable to her and pray with her.

I was so delighted when recently she and her boyfriend announced their engagement. This has led on to some interesting chats about biblical womanhood, marriage, singleness and family, so I wanted to share some of the articles we have been discussing to see what you thought. (It might also encourage her to comment here some day - I know she reads this, but has never added a comment before..!)

I always appreciate Carolyn McCulley's writings so enjoyed Faith for the Man He'll Become from Boundless. It's a gentle reminder to us girls that we won't marry the 'perfect man' but that there is a big difference between men aged 25 and men aged 50 in the church so we can't judge them by the same standard. We have a huge part to play in the growing in spiritual maturity of our brothers in Christ and of our (future) husbands, encouraging them and uplifting them in prayer. She writes:

You may see some of the husbands and fathers in your church and think to yourself that you'd like to marry a man just like them. Those are great aspirations to have! But first you may need to talk to their wives.

Why? Because these women didn't marry the husbands they have today. Typically, they married less seasoned men. Thanks to the Holy Spirit's refinements over time, as well as the feminine counsel, influence, and encouragement of these wives, their husbands are different some 20-plus years down the line.

Now take a look at the young men you know. Can you see them with eyes of faith? Like trees in springtime with an impressionistic haze of buds, the potential for growth is strongly evident but it's not yet fully realized.

Another Boundless article looks at Deuteronomy 24:5. Jonathan Dodson in First Year Off extends the law that allowed Israelite men not to be sent to war during their first year of marriage to a more general principle of a taking a year off from other responsibilities to "to be happy with his wife". He talks of being careful not to over-commit to work, church or other people when the focus should be developing and deepening the relationship with your spouse.

My friend and I are both busy doctors, so what does this mean practically for us as potential wives? I know I find it difficult enough to keep up-to-date with everything just on my own, so I can't really see me managing this while trying to get used to married life! We discussed this in a previous post, A Helper Fit for Him, and I liked what Sherrin had to say:

I do believe that home and family are to be the priorities, but that will look different for each woman. God has made us finite - and we cannot really "have it all". Something has to give, and we do not want that "something" to be the role of helping our husbands.

Our friendship is bound to change over the next year, but we are both committed to maintaining a close sisterly bond. (Thankfully, her fiancé is very understanding and encouraging of the fact that sometimes you just need your girlfriends!) What of my part in their marriage though? Lauren Winner writes about our responsibilities to a friend's marriage in Beyond Being a Bridesmaid:

I will no longer take the responsibility of witnessing marriage vows so lightly, for witnessing a marriage vow is not a frivolous thing. Now, before I attend a wedding, or stand up with a friend, I will consider what I, too, am committing to: a lifetime of support, of sometimes hard words, of prayer, of upholding.

When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.
Deuteronomy 24:5

It's been a while since I last shared my reading of "Getting Serious about Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness", so I want to return to looking at it, given all its controversies.

In the fourth chapter, Debbie Maken makes the point that there is a lack of male leadership in family, schools, society and the church. Men are told to "Have fun, live for the moment, don't answer to anyone, and always leave your options open." Men are being supported in "second childhoods" and as "perennial students", with all that that lifestyle entails.

As a young successful professional woman, often I feel this success is blamed for my singleness. It is perceived as a bad thing to be female, successful and financially self-sufficient. Maken says that "in Western culture, we often equate a woman's lack of economic need to be married to a desire of not wanting to be married."

Why has this changed in little over a generation? She blames "an education system that allows and promotes indefinite leadership, a lack of leadership in the home, and a lack of leadership within the church."

I have to agree with her. But what can be done about it? The church needs to take a more active role in teaching the Biblical view of manhood, womanhood and the family. Parents need to look to Scripture for guidance and teaching on biblical roles, and then to demonstrate them in their own family and to teach them to their children. I'm not sure what can be done about the schooling system, where are certainly problems with teaching male leadership in schools, which has caused an inappropriate expression of manhood through aggression. After a conversation with a friend who plans on homeschooling his children, I am perhaps (to my surprise) moving towards that idea. This is however a subject for another day!

For I have chosen [Abraham], that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing righteousness and justice, so that the LORD may bring to Abraham what he has promised him."
Genesis 18:19

I was so impressed to read the first of a series of articles on chivalry, The Modern Day Gentleman and When Lancelot Comes Riding on Alex and Brett Harris' blog, The Rebelution. Brett has given an insightful look into the reasons for chivalry, how men should act and women should respond. I was even more impressed when I realised that this came from 17 year olds! How encouraging to see the youth of the church fighting against our prevailing culture, both inside and outside of the church. It was a reminder to me that if I want men to take on their biblical role, I need to be encouraging and allowing them to do that. Yes, I could manage to open the door myself, but it sure is nice when someone takes the time and the care to open it for me! It's about trying to have servant attitudes towards each other and about being gracious to each other when we fail to hit the mark as we gently feel away into roles that are so foreign to where society would have us.

Another article had dropped into my email from Crosswalk. Here Judy Carden writes on Becoming a Godly Wife: Invite Chivalry into Your Marriage. I'm not married (yet, she says hoping!) but I think it has lessons for us all. It first reminded of the great harm that the feminist movement has done to women. Good things have come from it, like the vote and being allowed to own property, but the pendulum has swung too far towards actually denigrating the woman's role as a woman in society. This needs to be seen in the light of God's teaching on manhood and womanhood; that God created men and women in his own image and equals before him, but with different roles and responsibilities. That is how God intended us to be, so we need to work at reclaiming that.

So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27

What struck me was how wonderful it was to be under that and to submit in some way to that leading. I pray for those men that they will encourage and treat other men to embrace biblical manhood and that the Lord will continue to build them up as godly men. I also pray for me and for my sisters that we will become women joyfully wanting to respond to that and that we too will be moulded more and more into God's image to fulfill our role as created by him in the very beginning.

Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father. Treat younger men like brothers, older women like mothers, younger women like sisters, in all purity.
I Tim 5:1-2